Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.