[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
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How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
British people
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*