Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Autocorrect completely socks

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

I have taken up painting

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.