Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Jupiter

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

Monday

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

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do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015