Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
first you must answer his riddles
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I’d hang this in my house.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach