@c12h22o11balls

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

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@chuuew

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

@dmc1138

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

@bobby

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

@Megatronic13

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

@DiamondLou69

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

@Book_Krazy

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

@junejuly12

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

@SortaSarcastic

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …