Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
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Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
an airline just for babies.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?