[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
saw this in a dream
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*