[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying