Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

I’m being attacked 😭

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI