kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.