kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Writing, She Murdered.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.