Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.