Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit