Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.