Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*