@MindyFurano

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

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@rowdyforsheriff

HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type

ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once

@wolfpupy

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

@RadOrDie

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

@ItsAndyRyan

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

@SamSkoronski

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

@dreamthievin

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

@jellybnbonanza

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

@Chicken_Hawk38

All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.