Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie