Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
Not helping
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?