Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere