Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
#parenting
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.