Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.