kitchen magnet
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs