kitchen magnet
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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
😂🐈⬛
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?
Does anybody know if this service is still available?
Thanks in advance.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away