kitchen magnet
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!