Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old