Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.