Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking