[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My wife gives the best headache.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten