Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”