Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

He instantly became one of the bros

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

apparently this year was written by stephen king

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*