“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

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[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what


Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.


Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what


I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.


I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away


ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy


Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.


Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…


[aliens land]
Me: …
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent