@SkinnerSteven

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

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@briangaar

I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old

@Landon8426

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

@FredTaming

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

@MommaUnfiltered

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

@thenatewolf

I have a hot house to protect me from the cold outside. Inside my hot house I have a smaller cold house to protect my food from the heat of my hot house.

@MelvinofYork

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”