[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
ME: who’s a good boy
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Well played Pepsi.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent