[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
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two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.