[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
$3 #books
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.