[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
What
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
“you look easy to draw”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos