KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.