Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

I want this so bad

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.