Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

This took me a second..

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.