Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.