Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Put a ring on it

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

that wasn’t the question

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady