Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.