klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I mean…but I did
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.