klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
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I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Home #decor warning.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.