klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
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my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
