klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.