Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
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Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?