Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed