Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence