Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Just how popey was the pope today?

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?