Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

the three branches of government

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery