Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt