Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit