Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

😂😂

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?