Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
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2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Look at this
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William