#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
RT if you could go either way.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.