@BarndogKarck

Knew a guy who wore a shirt that just said “hentai” to work knowing his boss couldn’t write him up without admitting he knew what hentai is

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@ddsmidt

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

@TragicAllyHere

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not

@JohnLyonTweets

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

@SethMacFarlane

Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.

@realHamOnWry

I don’t understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

@AbbieEvansXO

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

@HatfieldAnne

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.