Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
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*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
me after i passed that state trooper
No laws when master is gone
