knights of the ikea table
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people