knights of the ikea table
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Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair