Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit