Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
who will stop them
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this