Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call: