Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!