Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit