[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
socratic questions
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.