Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire