Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift