[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
IT’S-A ME,
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Monica just destroyed the internet
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.