[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
You Might Also Like
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.