[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
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*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My background check bounced.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ