Knock Knock
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.