Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.