“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Lucky old June.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell