Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?