Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.