Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

[eulogy]

line?

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

*limbos under the caution tape

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

lol

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad