Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”