-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
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Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
my mom making me talk to relatives
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.