Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

Which wines pair best with gloating?

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.