Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.