Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!