Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

A friend sent me this.

In case you needed to hear it:

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.