Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car