Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
out-housing market appears to be strong
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.